IN THIS ISSUE

Because when no one will love you...
Green Date
Whizzy Whirry
And no wire hangers!
If we had a zillion dollars...
Now with 33% more Sauerness
Fatty Fatty Two-by-Four!
Dream Job Getter, in the dark Spinner
Next Firm FIT Starts June 7

Because when no one will love you, carbohydrates will...

Daisy, Daisy, Daisy… You had too much baggage for Bret to love you. Things were so promising early in the season, too. You were promoted to VIP on the very first day, and you were a real trooper in the mud football game, but when your ex-boyfriend showed up and outed you guys as roommates, you had a hissy fit that seriously was not convincing. And if that wasn’t enough, in Las Vegas you came clean about your “friendship” with C.C. DeVille. Poorly played. Confessions notwithstanding, by the finale, you, along with the viewing throng, thought you had it in the bag.

Which is obviously why you were so crushed when you got dumped. You predicted that Ambre and her giant granny panties were going to get the boot, and Bret would be serenading you with “Bicycle Built for Two”, weren’t you? Well, Bret Michaels was looking for a Rock of LOVE, Daisy, not a psycho, Restylane-lipped, blathering, blow up doll with big fake hams for boobs. Bret has integrity when it comes to choosing a bimbo for life for the second time!

And even though no one could understand what you were saying half the time, and despite hysterically waving your hands around like a windmill every time you spoke, and regardless of your lazy eye, we still related to your disbelief when Bret dismissed you from the competition, his home and his heart. And as any basket case worth her bowl of Betty Crocker microwave chocolate cake will tell you, no breakup would be complete without the comfort of the fetal position and some simple carbs. Witness (Spare yourself and skip to -1:00)

Oh, Daiz. Pick your top-heavy self up, wipe the trails of mascara from your chin, and come to the Firm for some Crave Curb. This amazing supplement will convince the few brains cells you’ve got that you feel satiated, and will reduce your pathetic, lovelorn cravings for carbohydrates. It’s perfect for curtailing those emotional post-breakup ice cream binges, and frankly, we don’t think this one will be your last.

Postscript: Crave Curb isn’t just for getting dumped on TV. It works on anyone who craves carbs and sugar when the chips are down. I advise you to stock up before disaster strikes.

Green Date

Let me tell you a quick story about a date I went on a little while ago. A painfully cool, supercute guy who is in a really hot local band took me out for sushi, and while we were ordering up, I suggested… nay, insisted that we get “something green” to eat with our piles and piles of fish. So I ordered edamame, some Chinese broccoli and seaweed salad. And for some reason he kept teasing me about it. But like, I couldn’t imagine eating all that fish without some veg, see? So he made fun of me like I was some nerdy Midwestern Mom, and then he never asked me out again. Perhaps if I’d just eaten some Dynamic Greens before the date I could have skipped the veggie pig-out and would have appeared more cosmopolitan and dateable. I’m just saying.

Dynamic Greens supplies your body with boosted energy, metabolism, fat burning, digestion, detoxification, immunity, repair, recovery, revitalization and longevity. It is an easy-to-mix great-tasting nutrient-rich super food formula with whole food concentrates designed to provide synergistic and delicious phyto-nutritious nutrients.

Don’t read about it -- just buy it and eat it. And be cooler on dates.

Whizzy Whirry

Is there any feeling as sweet as the whizzy-whirryness of the virgin ball bearings of a brand new cardio machine?

We have just unpacked and installed three new elliptical machines and a new recumbent bicycle from Matrix. Enjoy.

And no wire hangers!

Unlike you slobs, I saw Sleeping with the Enemy and was like, “Line up those towels, Julia! You aren’t the only person who lives in that house!” And then I saw American Psycho, and before Christian Bale even got the words out I was squirming with the thought of Chloe Sevigny leaving her spoon anywhere but in the empty Häagen Dazs bucket.

So, yes, I may have a touch of the OCD. But really, is it asking so much to have you put your free weights back where they belong?

If you use weights, put them back on the racks when you’re finished. And by the way, when I told you to call me Mommie Dearest, I wanted you to mean it.

If we had a zillion dollars…

If the Firm won the lottery, we could afford to hire 50 people to come in after every class and hop on the bikes and try them out to make sure they work. And then if there was something wrong, we could have those special bike testers inform the instructor what needed fixing. But considering we already have 50 people on those bikes several times a day, we could just rely on you to tell us when there’s a problem. So when Mr. Handy-Dandy-Spin-Bike-Fix-It-Man comes several times a week he knows exactly where to go and what to do.

What I’m trying to say through my thin veil of snarkasm is this: if you’re on a bike and you notice there’s something wrong with it, please tell the instructor.

The Firm is fueled by Sauer Power. Now with 33% more Sauerness.

Remember 1998? We were all freaking out about iMacs, El Niño, the Unabomber and President Clinton’s energetic wiener. Also, you might not have noticed her there, but Linda Sauer was kicking ass in Doug’s step class. Her daughter Kim was like, 10 years old or something.

And now, awwww… our little Kim is all grown up and working at the Firm two days a week. You can find her at the helm on Tuesday and Thursday evenings, or you will after she’s finished with finals anyway. When she’s not at the Firm working or working out, she’s a Chemical Engineering student at the University of Minnesota. In her free time she’s an attackman on the U of M Lacrosse club team, which by the way, is going to Nationals. No joke.

Some of you might recognize her because she takes tons of classes: her first was Doug’s step class, just like Mom used to take, but she’s also a big fan of Funk and Spin.

And you want know Kim’s favorite thing about her new job at the Firm? Here’s what she said:

I think the funnest part is how everyone talks to each other. It’s such a different atmosphere. Things that would be inappropriate anywhere else are fine there. You can really be yourself, you know what I mean?

And I was like, “Eff yeah, kid.” (Only I didn’t say “Eff.”)

Fatty Fatty Two-by-Four!

The ironically-nicknamed Fatawu Sayibu will be teaching…

Strip Tease on Tuesday, May 21 at 5:45
Funk on Wednesday, May 22 at 7:00
and Strip Tease on Thursday, May 23 at 5:45

Neil Hailstone: Dream Job Getter, in the dark Spinner

Of course, we always love it when one of our Firm brethren is hired into their dream job; we just prefer it when the dream job is working at the Firm. I guess since Neil is a bicycle enthusiast, he wanted a job with normal bikes instead of spin bikes. Fair enough. His new job is Account Executive for Quality Bike Parts in Bloomington. So now when Neil isn’t riding on a bicycle, he is talking about Bicycles. And bike parts, biking, bikers and bike shops. Unfortch, he has to travel a lot, so it’ll be way too difficult to keep a consistent schedule with teaching classes.

Neil has been teaching at the Firm for ten whole years! He and Marti Zacher started at the same time, and eventually he settled into the 6:15am time slot. He probably thought no one would come that early in the morning, but Firm clients, being totally mental for Spin, totally showed up! He had two or three hardcore fans at first, and eventually started packing them in.

There was one dark, howling winter morning, in fact, when Neil awoke feeling rather pessimistic about any turnout for his class at all. Schools were canceling and the snow was piling up outside. But he dutifully packed up his bike shoes and drove to the Firm as scheduled. The minute Neil pulled up to the building the electricity went out, so he really thought by then that he was walking into an empty building: You know, who in their right mind would come out in that sort of weather for a bit of exercise? But again, Neil underestimated the dedication of his students, for there in the lobby, standing in the dark, were about a dozen people demanding an ass-kicking. So they trooped up to the Spin room and cranked out a workout with no lights, no heat and no music. They just watched the snow flutter against the window and rode their bikes like mad. I get misty. I really do.

P.S. Neil, you might go faster if you close your mouth.

Next FIRM F.I.T. starts June 7,
last day to sign-up is May 31…

You are officially out of excuses--not that your excuses were all that convincing to begin with. I seem to remember you saying you were too busy to do Firm FIT over the holidays, and too broke to do it just after the holidays. Well, now you’ve paid up those credit cards and things aren’t so hectic. Besides, any minute now you’ll be griping that you’re too busy because it’s summer. So I suggest you give Neil a call before you change your chubby little mind.

Call 612.810.4052 or email Neil Miyamoto at nmiyamoto@thefirmmpls.com